I am...

It’s been a minute since I’ve written anything. There were things I wanted to say and write but always felt a block due to feeling overwhelmed or tired. This year has been quite a year and there was always something to say or react to and at times too much at one time. It felt like I’d only be yelling into a windstorm or tunnel. You know, the feeling that it will echo back or just be for nothing. I know my thoughts and words aren’t nothing but sometimes it's hard not to feel small or the world makes you feel that way. This year made me feel that way. 

I was scrolling through Twitter when I read about the singers ChloexHalle. They were trending and I got sucked into the rabbit hole of their feed and their music. There was a question that stuck with me, “Do you know who you are?” Chloe began answering the question. While I don’t remember everything she said, what I do remember is that she answered the question positively and for a minute,I wondered why I couldn’t.

For a brief minute, the year of 2020 came crashing down on me. I got swept up in the memories of the difficult moments when I couldn’t catch my breath because of anxiousness and worry. The fears that were unleashed and the self-doubts. So many self-doubts. 2020 was like nothing I’d ever experienced. Though I know I’m not alone, 2020 did its best to make me feel that way. It was hard to admit to myself but isn’t it always hard to confront our deepest fears. Who ever volunteers to face the person they think they are? 

Back to the question, Do you know who you are? I take a pause as I breathe in and out, in and out, in and out. I count slowly 1-2-3-4 with the in breathe and 4-3-2-1 on the out breath. It settles me. It centers me. There are fragments of memories that come back to me, that reveal themselves. They don’t crash like waves but are more like ripples. 

See yourself reflected back in the mirror of your truth or reality. There is a choice. Maybe it’s more accurate to use the phrase “mirror of my perceived truth.”  See sometime that can be tricky. Your perceived truth or reality is a prankster. It fools you into believing what you see but then taking a breath, a beat, a pause, I need to check it. I need to ask myself, is this really true? Is what I'm feeling and thinking about myself true at this moment? Then after that minute, I check the prankster with memories of who I am, all that I’ve done. I feel like the character in the Queen’s Gambits. The visions come and I either replay the prior games or play in the scenario in my mind. I see a way forward for me to win. I play the game. I make my move. I give up the control that I’ve allowed my fears to hold over me and for a brief moment I celebrate my win.

I remember my dad’s lesson about if a person doesn’t know themselves they’re lost. Well in 2020, I lost my way for a moment and in the process lost my voice and self. In my quiet and solitude, I had time to think and reflect knowing that too much time in quiet contemplation can at times allow space for my fears and self-doubt to enter. They always seem to find the cracks and shadow me. I take a breath, in and out and repeat for that’s how I live. Breath to breath. Moment to moment. I can’t stop the thoughts of fear and self-doubt but I can learn to quiet them. Fear and self-doubt made me hide myself and make myself smaller. 

“Do I know who I am?” I ask myself in the moment I’ve quieted the thoughts. I remember the laughs of my children, sitting on the couch with them to watch a movie, eating dinner together as a family, the walks with my husband on summer evenings, the joy of watching my sons grow into men, the risk taken to pursue a new path, investing in myself, surviving, advocating for justice, watching my sons march for racial justice, friends and family, joy, love, quiet, memories, conversations, reading, gratitude and hope.

As 2020 comes to an end, I remember who I am and all that is possible. I’m an Oprah fan and remember her talks about the importance and power of what comes after the phrase “I am.”

For 2021, instead of writing a list of resolutions, I put out into the universe my I am statements to remind me in those moments that self-doubt and fear try to win, I will remember to breathe and  who I am.

I am brave

I am curious

I am lovable

I am worthy

I am audacious

I am love

I am becoming 

I am loved

I am grateful

I am deserving of all my blessings

I am listening

I am enough

I am persistent

I am breath

I am a hero

I am more than I could ever imagine 

I am here

I am present

I am hopeful

I am authentic

I am beautiful

I am intelligent

I am uniquely me

I am on a journey to be my highest and truest self

I am shining bright

I am kind

I am patient

I am joyful

I am at peace