How Do We Talk to Black Boys about Standing Up for Themselves and Others

4 min read

As a parent of Black sons, I’ve reflected on conversations my husband and I had with our children about standing up for themselves and standing up for others. The incident between Chris Rock and Will Smith at the Oscars had me wondering about how we talk to Black boys about standing up for themselves and others. The conversations included the following options to deal with the situation

• Walk away from the situation

• Tell a teacher about the person bothering you or a friend

• If someone hits you (or a friend), you have the right to defend yourself/friend

Honestly, the idea of hitting back even when my children said it was justified, was scarry to me. The issue of not fighting was an important point to stress to my children because of the fear of consequences if they were caught. They could be suspended, expelled, arrested or my worst fear was death. I wanted to preserve them. I wanted to keep them safe. The data is clear, Black children are overpoliced and overdisciplined in schools and society. But what do you as a parent when our children are confronted with conflicting messages from society, culture and media? 

For Black male children and youth, portrayals of them are complicated by intersections of race and gender. According to the study, Watching Gender: How Stereotypes in Movies and on TV Impact Kids' Development gender stereotypes in media such as TV and movies influence a child's development. Children learn very early about gender roles, such as who’s smarter, color preferences, career choices. How often do we see males playing with dolls? How often are females portrayed as scientists? How often do we see the male character rescuing the female character? Who is the hero in the story? 

Let’s add the layer of race. What images are Black males seeing of themselves if they are seen at all? Images that Black boys see of themselves can lower their self-esteem and impact development of their racial and ethnic identity. Black characters are often stereotyped, depicted as violent and underrepresented. 

These images themselves aren’t the only influences on Black boys. There are the legacies of systemic racism that had impacted where our children play, live, grow and are allowed to be children. There are the issues of the adultification of Black boys. The idea that others may see Black boys as older than their chronological and developmental age can have severe consequences of harsher punishment.There’s also the loss of our children’s innocence, both literally and figuratively. The perception of Black children being less innocent starts as early as age 10. Loss of innocence means that children are less protected. 

During Will Smith’s Oscar acceptance speech, he apologized to the Academy and fellow nominees for his behavior.  He also talked about his role of protecting Black women in his cast and discussed the expectation of being able “ to take abuse…people talk crazy about you…people disrespecting you and you’ve got to smile. You’ve got to pretend that it’s okay.”  

For many of us, we’ve experienced the instinct to protect the one’s we love and have dealt with verbal abuse. How many of us grew up with the saying “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me”? Words do matter and how we respond to those words matter, especially when we add the issues of race, racism and gender. 

What happened at the Oscars is an opportunity for us to have conversations with ourselves as parents and with our children about standing up for ourselves and others. What do we say to our children when they are confronted with defending themselves or others they love? How do we address the complicating factors of race, racism and gender? 

I’ve seen views that support Will Smith’s actions. Comments such as “he was standing up for his wife,” and “he was protecting his wife, a Black woman.” As well as comments that condemned his actions. The comments illustrate for me that race, racism and gender matter and do play a role in our views. These issues do play a role in how we communicate our thoughts to our sons about standing up for themselves and others.

They also play a key role in our society and culture. There maybe an opportunity for society and culture to help support parents. For example, the issues of race, racism and gender must be taken into account in school policies addressing bullying and responses to students that are defending themselves as result of racism and dehumanization. There is also a role in how the media portrays and writes stories about Black children and youth. The media industry must continue efforts to increase representation in content created for children and youth, hire diverse talent to write, direct and produce original stories that honor the humanity in us all, and hire child and youth development experts as consultants with expertise about issues of race, ethnicity, gender and identity.

As a parent, talking with my Black sons about standing up for themselves and others was complicated because of the fears I had for them but I didn’t let fears stop me from parenting. I used what I knew as a guide. My stance with my children was always to find ways to avoid violence. My husband and I talked to our kids about using their words instead of getting physical. If the situation escalated, they could implement alternatives such as walking away, distracted the bully, or talking to a trusted adult. But the gray area was if the alternative options didn’t work and they felt they needed to defend themselves or others. If this happened, my husband and I told them unequivocally that we would love and support them. We had their back. We’d discuss the issue as a family and deal with it as a family. Our children needed to know that they were loved and supported.

The conversations parents have with their children about standing up for themselves and others must take into account our views about race, racism and gender. How we view these issues will inform the talks we have with our sons.

I would love to hear your thoughts about this topic.