My Hair Story
This past week, I had the pleasure of interviewing Lori L. Tharps for an upcoming Season 2 episode of What is Black podcast. During our chat, we spoke about Black hair and her book on the topic, Hair Story: Untangling the Roots of Black Hair in America. I wanted to have the conversation about hair because 2019 has been the year to celebrate Black hair, from State laws that ban hair discrimination to Tracee Ellis Ross’s celebration of natural hair with her new hair care line.
During our conversation, I had an “aha” moment about my hair as I was growing up. Growing up in Washington, DC during the 70s and 80s, there weren’t a lot of young girls that looked like me or that I could remember had hair that looked like mine. As much as my parents tried to instill a sense of pride about being Black and the fact that I grew up in “Chocolate City” with images of Black achievement, I still felt different. One the reasons I felt different was because of my hair.
I remember asking my mom to let me braid my hair into cornrows but she didn’t know how to do that style. She could braid but the typical style was two plaits. But I remember one summer when one of my relatives on my Dad’s side came to visit. I finally got my wish; my hair was braided but it didn’t last long. My mom told me that I had to undo them because the hairstyle was looking messy. But even before this, I knew my hair was different. In a grocery store shopping with my mom, a woman was upset at mom for letting walk around with wet hair. My mom had styled my hair into Shirley Temple curls but the only way to style it this way was when it was still damp to wet. My hair was starting to attract attention and it wasn’t always for the right reasons. As I got older, my hair caused me more issues. For example, in the sixth grade, a classmate pulled at my ponytails and then later referenced that I was a white girl. These are just a few of the childhood memories of my Black hair experiences.
So back to my “aha'“ moment. The moment was realizing that I’ve spent my life trying not to have people notice my hair or I’ve tried to change it so that other Black people would think it was Black hair. One way I did this was as soon as I got to high school, I asked my mom if I could get my hair relaxed. She reluctantly agreed and that started years of going to the salon and having hairdressers ask me why I wanted to get my hair relaxed since it was so “nice.” I knew what nice was code for, not Black hair. But despite my feelings, I never felt that I could talk to my parents about it. Yes, I’ve mentioned to them that there were kids teasing me or questioning my racial identity but aside from reassuring me about my Blackness there was never a discussion or questioning why I felt different. Sometimes, reassurance isn’t enough. I needed someone to talk to me about my hair and the issues I was having. Little did I know that my experiences would come in handy when I became a mom.
As a parent of two Black young men, I never thought that I’d have to talk to them about their hair. I admit I was ignorant thinking that boys don’t or can’t have hair struggles. My kids have different hair textures, one more like mine and the other like his dad’s. They’ve had to deal with other kids questioning their hair, questioning each other as to why they have different hair textures and seeing their white friends with different hair. My husband and I could see that they had questions and were grappling with their hair differences. But my own hair journey prepared me. I knew that I had to talk with them about it. The conversations haven’t been a one and done talk but have evolved over time. As they’ve gotten older, the conversations have broadened to the choices of hairstyles they want to wear to express their individuality.
This past year, I learned how to loc hair and maintain them for my younger son. I’ll be honest, I was concerned about the choice of hairstyle because of my fears about how others would perceive him as a young Black man. But the experience helped me to challenge my assumptions and biases and realize that fear based decisions are not the way I want to parent. I want to support my son’s choices that makes him feel affirmed and confident. It was a great reminder of my hair journey. Funny how life has a way of teaching you the things that you’re going to need later.
As a parent of black children, there are so many issues to tackle and address. Hair is just one of them. But trust me, it’s a conversation that’s important to have. Our kids need to know that we’re there for them and it’s important that we share our own experiences and journeys. This will help them feel less alone and realize that they can can talk with you about any topic. Our experiences influence the way we parent.
I’m so grateful for the conversation with Lori. She provides great insights into parenting around the issue of Black hair. I suggest that you pick up her book, Hair Story: Untangling the Roots of Black Hair in America. Her episode will air in February 2020. Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast and follow us on social media, so you don’t miss it.
