Consultant or Coach?

For the last few weeks, I’ve been thinking about what role I play as a parent now that my kids are growing older and more independent. I feel that my role is evolving. I’m not just a mom anymore. Depending on the day, I’m either a consultant or coach. The titles change based on the context or need. There are times I don’t know which role I play. I simply show up. But to help me decide my roles, I went to the experts.

I asked my sons what role they want me to play in each of their lives. My youngest son answered, “coach” and my oldest said, “consultant.” I found it quite interesting to hear their answers. When I asked why, they each discussed why they needed me in that role. I was happy to hear their honesty but it also shook me a little. I think there was a part of me that hoped that my oldest son would still want or need coaching. So, I looked up the definitions of both words to see how applicable they are.

Consultant: one who gives professional advice or services 

Coach: one who instructs or trains

Based on the definitions, I think my sons were right on the mark. My oldest son is graduating college and at this phase in his life, as much as I have to fight the urge to coach him, I agree with him that my role should be as a consultant. He’s at a stage at his life where he doesn’t need me to instruct him ,but to be there to listen and offer advice, if needed or asked.

As for my younger son, there are still lessons that my husband and I hope to teach, and he’s shown that he’s open to learning them. His answer brought a smile to my face as I thought to myself he still needs me. Yes! But I do realize, that I’m on the cusp of my role morphing into one of a consultant for him also.

There are times it’s hard not to resort back to being the coach to both of them. There’s so much more that I want to teach them but one of the hardest and most cliche parts of being a parent is learning when to let go and trust that you’ve provided your children with what the need. It’s hard not to second guess the lessons and the parenting. Was it enough? Did they really hear me? I know that I might never have the answers to those questions. But I still think about them. I still hope that I’ve done and been enough. I also relish those moments when I’m just mom. There are still plenty of those moments.

So am I a consultant or coach? It depends on the kid you ask and the day. What I know is that I will always be their mom. That’s enough for now.